June 14, 2013

6.1 // Occasionally I fall off the planet

//Confession: Occasionally I fall off the planet

Maybe not in literal terms but in the writing world. Writer's block has a tendency to overwhelm me. And sometimes confessing my ups, downs, good, and bad just makes me feel exposed. Insecurity can creep in without an invitation.

I think as life moves forward, lives change, people change, and as this whirlwind happens around me, it's easy to get caught up in the feeling that I am the only one standing still. That everyone else is getting somewhere but not me. Though the thought isn't valid--everyday is an opportunity for growth if we allow it--it still can be difficult to avoid feelings of inadequacy.

Comparison kills joy.

When I find myself looking around me, noticing all the of the good going on in others lives, I lose sight of the greatness in mine. I lose that feeling of gratitude and sink into feelings of self-loathing. All that does is turn me into a hermit and causes me to question everything. That's the thing about giving into feelings of insecurity... it is a slippery slope straight into doubt.

I doubt that I am a good writer.
I doubt that people care about me.
I doubt that I am loved.
I doubt that I am good enough.
I doubt that I have worth.
I doubt that I am going to have success in my life.
I doubt that God is good.
I doubt that I am beautiful inside or out.
I doubt myself.

I can't say I'm alone. If you read the gospels, many Biblical friends had the same problem I do. Doubt arose in their hearts, pushing them into reality checks before they regained faith; Peter began to sink into the sea, Thomas put his hand in Jesus' wounds, Mary & Martha's brother died.

There's something about things being unstable in my life that cause me to be unstable in my thoughts. Rather than remembering the promises of God, and the solid ground He offers, I choose to wobble in doubt or to run away in fear.

James 1:5-8 says, "If you don’t know what you’re doing, pray to the Father. He loves to help. You’ll get his help, and won’t be condescended to when you ask for it. Ask boldly, believingly, without a second thought. People who 'worry their prayers' are like wind-whipped waves. Don’t think you’re going to get anything from the Master that way, adrift at sea, keeping all your options open."

That's what doubt does, it just keeps the mind open to all of these false ideas about life, yourself, and others. It redefines and twists truth. It makes security disappear, turning me into a worryful, self-reliant, doubting, lost heart. After each doubtful time in my and those Biblical friend's lives, Jesus always restores faith and hope. He never just lets me keep getting whipped around in my whirlwind of doubt.. he calms the storm and reminds me of how much He cares for me.

If only you would prepare your heart
and lift up your hands to him in prayer!
Get rid of your sins,
and leave all iniquity behind you.
Then your face will brighten with innocence.
You will be strong and free of fear.
You will forget your misery;
it will be like water flowing away.
Your life will be brighter than the noonday.
Even darkness will be as bright as morning.
Having hope will give you courage.
You will be protected and will rest in safety."
-Job 11:13-18

I'm back. Hopeful. Courageous. Safe. //

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