June 20, 2013

6.2 // Sometimes I forget to breathe

//Confession: Sometimes I forget to breathe.

Without even knowing it I prayed myself into a coma. It's this feeling of not consciously spending time with God. My prayers feel muffled. It's like I'm lying there trying to wake up, trying to speak up, but its all in my head... Like no one can hear me.

It's an unfulfilling way to spend my time with God. I want Him to hear me, I want to be able to open my eyes and see His face. But instead I am lying there in the dark, with thoughts cycling in my head. And like trying to hold a conversation with a coma patient, it feels one sided and sad. 

The frustration built in my heart and it lead to a couple days of pure sadness. This overwhelming feeling that I am alone, and no one, and certainly no God, is even listening. I felt stuck in this state of stagnancy unable to get up, be heard, or move forward.

Thankfully, God has placed unbelievably amazing people in my life who encourage me and remind me of truth. As I shared my concern about my inability to feel conscious, my best friend said something very profound: "I don't want to tell you not to pray, but maybe you just need to take a deep breathe. You are in His presence without talking to Him, He hears your every thought." 

In that very moment, I closed my eyes and before my exhale was finished, I felt a grip tighten on my hand. He is in this very room. Holding my hand, He sat next to me telling me how much I mean to Him.
God is better than any doctor or family member because even in my coma-like unconsciousness, He hears my every mumble, my every overwhelming worry, my every overanalyzed thought. 

When life pushes me to my emotional limit its easy to slip into a coma. To cope and lose hope and check out. All to easy to feel like I can't seem to wake up and get out of my own head. To sink into a place that leaves me feeling blind and lonely. 

"Wake up oh sleeper. Rise from the dead, and Christ will shine on you." -Ephesians 5:14 
Prayer isn't always about being heard, sometimes it's just remembering the preciousness of God's presence.//

1 comment:

Megan Westmoreland said...

yes yes and again yes.
sometimes i think we get too down on ourselves because we haven't "prayed as much as we should". but that isn't the case! sometimes we just have to be quiet. listen. and breathe. love this post :) hope your doing well!