7.1 // I am afraid.

//Confession: I am afraid.

Bugs, scary movies, creepy sounds, loud noises, and car accidents: they get me every time. They leave my heart pounding, hands shaking, and mind racing. 

What is it about fear that gets the best of me? Why is it that like a snake, it seems to slowly squeeze my esophagus, leaving me feeling completely powerless?

Fear sort of reminds me of a maze, with each dead end anxiety builds until I'm in a full blown panic, unable to concentrate, not only on where I should be going but where I just was. It blurs the vision, fogs the mind, and creates this false sense of hopelessness. The reality however is that there is in fact an exit. The maze isn't
just sending me in circles; I am sending me in circles.

Fear is a vital response to danger, if we didn't feel it, we couldn't protect ourselves from legitimate threats. When looking up psychological reasoning for fear, I read, "a perceived threat causes one to quickly pull far away from it and usually hide." That's the problem with perception vs. reality, the threat of 'what if's' and 'might be's' become reality.

It is the deception that I see and understand all things. Fear causes me to pull away from people for fear they "might" fail, hurt, or deceive me. It pushes me to hide from opportunities, dreams, and possibility because there is risk of inadequacy. It reveals so much about my heart when I find myself running from that which isn't actually there. 

Talk about a false prophets, fear predicts things that may not—and most likely will not—come to pass. If I stand in front of these false realities believing my fears to be predictors of my future, I essentially am saying, "God is not for me. He is not going to help me. God doesn't know what I need. He won't provide."

In thinking about being afraid, I couldn't help but think of the command in the Bible, "Fear Not" which occurs close to 150 times. In these statements God is not just commanding the release of fear but often follows with comfort and hope saying things like "I am with you", "I am the one who helps you", "I am with you to deliver you", "I will fight for you".

What reason do I have to hide or pull back with promises like that? Unlike a spider on the wall in front of me, facing my fears only means turning from the frustrating walls of wondering and seeking the path God has for me. This maze of life is tough sometimes but I cannot let fear leave me feeling lost.

Unlike a mouse in a maze I know the only way out is to seek what  the direction of the only One who knows the way. 

6.3 // Good ole days

//Confession: I miss the good ole days

You'd think at 27 it wouldn't be possible to have homesickness. I do. There's something about this month that has made me miss my family more than ever. Being a Virginia transplant hasn't been very difficult until these last few weeks. Work is in a summer lull, life hasn't been all that easy, and my heart has just felt off... the culmination of that and a few other family things has made me wish I could wake up in my house. I want to walk down the stairs to the smell of coffee and sit across from daddy on the couch while he reads. I  would like to relax in the sunshine with my mom, walk around target, and get pizza gallery together. I would love to watch wheel of fortune and jeopardy next to grandma and do her nails for her. I wish I could walk on the beach and get breakfast with Diana. I miss laughing and dance parties with my nieces and nephews. I miss home. 
In one of the final Office episodes, Andy says "I wish there was a way to know you're in the good ole days before you leave them". There has been so many times in my life where I have been in those and just forgot to live in them--to really live in them, to be joyful and thankful for them. Instead, I have spent time trying to get to the next place. Looking to just keep going.
In spite of my current  homesickness, I haven't let that keep me from living. I've come to realize that it's okay to remember the good ole days, to wish for simplicity in the midst of chaos, to see change as challenging, but I refuse to spend my time wanting out of these days. Or waiting for the next best thing... because the next best thing is today. It's in these moments...just enjoy these moments.

On that note here's life lately:

I have spent many weekends at the Roanoke River. This spot is about 10 minutes from where I live. It may not offer sandy shores, or waves but it's a different kind of peaceful.

Grady likes the river too.

My herb garden has gone crazy. This is just before a second trimming. I have made pizza, pasta, and salads with the my homegrown mint, oregano, and basil. I have also enjoyed a fresh mojito with my mint.

There is something about froyo on a hard day that sort of just makes things better. A beautiful sunset is nice too.

I am currently obsessed with my mason jars. I prep food for the week in them doing overnight oats, parfaits or my favorite, cole slaw. This one was broccoli slaw with pepitas and sprouts. I do a homemade vinaigrette dressing on the bottom, when ready, just shake and eat. 

I'm obsessed with pass the pigs. It's sort of like a dice game, but with pigs. I can't get enough, and it fits in my purse. 

Trail running. Instead of going to the stuffy gym, I get to be back in nature running before work. It's fantastic. This morning I ran passed a group of wild horses.

Chase and I found a new breakfast spot in Salem that has buckwheat pancakes. If you know anything about me, you know I can't have wheat or gluten HOWEVER I can eat buckwheat. And breakfast being my absolute favorite, I was gitty with excitement. There's something irresistible about diners to me, a nostalgia that cannot be surpassed.  

Don’t long for “the good old days.” This is not wise.

Accept the way God does things,
    for who can straighten what he has made crooked?
enjoy prosperity while you can,
    but when hard times strike, realize that both come from God.
    Remember that nothing is certain in this life.

- -Eccleciastes 7:10, 13&14

There are days when I just want to go back to the "good ole days"... but then I realize these are those days. Living in this moment is the only certainty we can depend on; live with joy. 
Remember to cherish today.//


 

________________________ Linking up with:

Wild & Precious for life lately  &

6.2 // Sometimes I forget to breathe

//Confession: Sometimes I forget to breathe.

Without even knowing it I prayed myself into a coma. It's this feeling of not consciously spending time with God. My prayers feel muffled. It's like I'm lying there trying to wake up, trying to speak up, but its all in my head... Like no one can hear me.

It's an unfulfilling way to spend my time with God. I want Him to hear me, I want to be able to open my eyes and see His face. But instead I am lying there in the dark, with thoughts cycling in my head. And like trying to hold a conversation with a coma patient, it feels one sided and sad. 

The frustration built in my heart and it lead to a couple days of pure sadness. This overwhelming feeling that I am alone, and no one, and certainly no God, is even listening. I felt stuck in this state of stagnancy unable to get up, be heard, or move forward.

Thankfully, God has placed unbelievably amazing people in my life who encourage me and remind me of truth. As I shared my concern about my inability to feel conscious, my best friend said something very profound: "I don't want to tell you not to pray, but maybe you just need to take a deep breathe. You are in His presence without talking to Him, He hears your every thought." 

In that very moment, I closed my eyes and before my exhale was finished, I felt a grip tighten on my hand. He is in this very room. Holding my hand, He sat next to me telling me how much I mean to Him.

God is better than any doctor or family member because even in my coma-like unconsciousness, He hears my every mumble, my every overwhelming worry, my every overanalyzed thought. 

When life pushes me to my emotional limit its easy to slip into a coma. To cope and lose hope and check out. All to easy to feel like I can't seem to wake up and get out of my own head. To sink into a place that leaves me feeling blind and lonely. 

Inhale.

Exhale.

Inhale.

Exhale.

"Wake up oh sleeper. Rise from the dead, and Christ will shine on you." -Ephesians 5:14 

Prayer isn't always about being heard, sometimes it's just remembering the preciousness of God's presence.//

6.1 // Occasionally I fall off the planet

//Confession: Occasionally I fall off the planet

Maybe not in literal terms but in the writing world. Writer's block has a tendency to overwhelm me. And sometimes confessing my ups, downs, good, and bad just makes me feel exposed. Insecurity can creep in without an invitation.

I think as life moves forward, lives change, people change, and as this whirlwind happens around me, it's easy to get caught up in the feeling that I am the only one standing still. That everyone else is getting somewhere but not me. Though the thought isn't valid--everyday is an opportunity for growth if we allow it--it still can be difficult to avoid feelings of inadequacy.

Comparison kills joy.

When I find myself looking around me, noticing all the of the good going on in others lives, I lose sight of the greatness in mine. I lose that feeling of gratitude and sink into feelings of self-loathing. All that does is turn me into a hermit and causes me to question everything. That's the thing about giving into feelings of insecurity... it is a slippery slope straight into doubt.

I doubt that I am a good writer.
I doubt that people care about me.
I doubt that I am loved.
I doubt that I am good enough.
I doubt that I have worth.
I doubt that I am going to have success in my life.
I doubt that God is good.
I doubt that I am beautiful inside or out.
I doubt myself.

I can't say I'm alone. If you read the gospels, many Biblical friends had the same problem I do. Doubt arose in their hearts, pushing them into reality checks before they regained faith; Peter began to sink into the sea, Thomas put his hand in Jesus' wounds, Mary & Martha's brother died.

There's something about things being unstable in my life that cause me to be unstable in my thoughts. Rather than remembering the promises of God, and the solid ground He offers, I choose to wobble in doubt or to run away in fear.

James 1:5-8 says, "If you don’t know what you’re doing, pray to the Father. He loves to help. You’ll get his help, and won’t be condescended to when you ask for it. Ask boldly, believingly, without a second thought. People who 'worry their prayers' are like wind-whipped waves. Don’t think you’re going to get anything from the Master that way, adrift at sea, keeping all your options open."

That's what doubt does, it just keeps the mind open to all of these false ideas about life, yourself, and others. It redefines and twists truth. It makes security disappear, turning me into a worryful, self-reliant, doubting, lost heart. After each doubtful time in my and those Biblical friend's lives, Jesus always restores faith and hope. He never just lets me keep getting whipped around in my whirlwind of doubt.. he calms the storm and reminds me of how much He cares for me.

“If only you would prepare your heart

and lift up your hands to him in prayer!

Get rid of your sins,

and leave all iniquity behind you.

Then your face will brighten with innocence.

You will be strong and free of fear.

You will forget your misery;

it will be like water flowing away.

Your life will be brighter than the noonday.

Even darkness will be as bright as morning.

Having hope will give you courage.

You will be protected and will rest in safety."

-Job 11:13-18

I'm back. Hopeful. Courageous. Safe. //

5.1 // I am poor

// Confession: I am poor.

I think I'm finally ready to talk about it. I've been putting it off for some time now, as I do when I want to avoid the things that challenge.

I am an Americorps VISTA (Volunteer In Service To America). VISTA provides full-time members to nonprofit, faith-based and other community organizations, and public agencies to create and expand programs that bring low-income individuals and communities out of poverty. AmeriCorps engages more than 80,000 Americans in intensive service each year.

I work for an amazing nonprofit, The Advancement Foundation, coordinating PR, marketing, and events.  I love my job, and I am learning so much. But it's more than expanding a resume. As a VISTA, I have signed up to live at the poverty level of the community I am serving. I gave up more than just money too; I left behind my family, friends, and my community, not to mention jumping up a few states. Having been here 6 months, it has started to take its toll.

Work has always been a part of my life, the 40+ hours a week isn't the issue. I have never had a lot of money, but I have always worked hard to live comfortably. 

Until now. This is not comfortable. It's more like wearing fleece pajamas at the beach, or having the chicken pox without calamine lotion. Being poor is hard.

There are so many politically charged debates about poverty and so many misguided views. I can say with confidence after becoming friends with so many struggling to make it--and as someone who is struggling herself, that you have no idea until you live it.  As I find myself praying for miracles financially, I really understand the difficulties that come with this life.

The highs of triumph are so quickly overshadowed by the lows of your phone getting shut off and the late fees that come with your partially paid bills. There is little joy in those lows--it's a feeling so hopeless it makes you want to give up and run away from it all. I get it now. Living it opens your eyes to how hard it actually is.

These days I spend most of my time on my knees, not asking for God to make this any easier but for Him to give me the strength to endure it and the wisdom to learn from it.

This experience has gifted me with so much already. The job experience is great, but nothing compares to what this journey is doing for my heart. I am humbled. I am seeing more of who I am without all of the worldly fluff to keep me happy and it's not pretty. I am so wrong about so many thing. My faith is challenged daily.

I am being stripped of everything. And yet in having nothing, I feel as though God is giving me everything (2 Cor 6). He continues to love and bless me despite my lack of belief, my fear, anger or discontentment. He is faithful. As my beautiful roommate prayed today, it isn't a characteristic of Him...it is who He is.

A devout life does bring wealth, but it’s the rich simplicity of being yourself before God. Since we entered the world penniless and will leave it penniless, if we have bread on the table and shoes on our feet, that’s enough. - 1 Timothy 6:6-8 (MSG)

I don't want money. Jesus, You are enough.//