January 20, 2013

1.5 //I overanalyze, overclean, and overprepare

//Confession: I overanalyze, overclean, and overprepare.

Despite my ability to be goofy and fun, I have a hard time letting go. The little things in life have a way of piling up, and the unimportant suddenly carries weight. I think I do this with God also. Truth is, I am harder on myself than His grace has ever been on me.

Before I moved to Virginia, God pointed this out to me in a very unique way. It was at lunch with my family. I watched as my niece excitedly colored with two crayons. “Look Aunt LaLa! An orange and green soccer ball!”

With every completion, she celebrated as if it was Christmas morning. Dessert came and Sophia took a teaspoons worth of chocolate cake then began to recline like my dad on Thankgiving and rub her tummy. She exaggeratedly expressed that she was completely full of chocolate. She proceeded to walk around the table kissing cheeks, asking for hugs, and sitting on laps.

As I was watching her I thought; she is just so happy.  

After lunch, my family stood outside chatting. I began my goodbye’s and Sophia stood below me with her head down. Caleb noticed and asked, “Sophia, are you sad?” She looked up, eyes full of tears, nodding. She reached her arms up towards me. I held her as she sobbed and squeezed her as if the tighter I hugged the less her heart would hurt.

Thinking about it on the drive home, I couldn't  ignore God’s voice. The view I had of Sophia was one that reminded me of me. The me that I wanted to be. Free to love and care and enjoy all that God has for me. All of the things I noticed about Sophia are the things He wants me to feel. God desires for me to live life without walls, stigmas, or apprehension.  To trust I am taken care of. To love and be loved without conditions.  To be heartbroken when I find myself moving away from Him. This is what He offers me; unconditional love, grace-drenched forgiveness, joy in life’s little blessings.

Letting go is easy. All it takes is a childlike faith.\\

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