2.4 //I Overindulge

//Confession:  I overindulge.

I haven’t been MIA for the week without reason. In fact, I’ll be surprised if anyone reads this for the mere fact that I am currently off the social media radar.  I can’t count how many times I find myself sifting through the photos of a friend I haven’t seen in years, or streaming through the arguments between commenting Facebook’rs . The YouTube videos, weddings, babies, and links at your fingertips; changing and evolving as every minute passes. It’s in my face whether I like it or not.  And with a mouse click I am drawn in; I indulge. My pleasure-seeking tendencies have led me to take a step back.

Besides being technically hypnotized my self-satisfaction carries into so many areas… finances, food, and time.  After a hard day at work, some tough news, and a headache, I climbed in my car, took a deep breath and thought, I need a glass of wine.

What is it about life that causes me to turn to indulgences that make me “feel better” rather than the One who actually makes things better?  Why is it when life gives me a hard time I don’t reach for a glass of God? My focus goes awry when difficulty shows up.

I find myself using indulgence as a way to cope. To avoid facing myself, responsibilities, or standing before Jesus. Indulgence keeps me occupied long enough to stay away from my heart issues. I space out on the inter-web to keep space between me and God.  I use wine to drown my realities and food as filler for my emptiness; habits that only produce feelings of shame and inadequacy.

I am taking 40 days to bask in the glory of deprivation.

The reason I have dedicated 40 days to face my issues of indulgence isn’t a legalistic one. I’m not “trying” to be better or prove myself worthy.  It’s as simple as being faithful in the little things. I let the little things slip through the sin cracks, you know, because “they aren’t that bad”.

Yet, I ask God what He is doing or why He hasn’t done this or given me that. Before Lent while praying, He answered: lack of faithfulness in the little things, that’s why.

By being unfaithful in even the small things I am keeping myself from all that God wants for me.  Living for Jesus simply requires dependence. I think about toddlers and their never ending dependency on adults to survive and provide. That’s what walking with God is, trusting and living IN Jesus.  A child needs help to eat, sleep, stay safe, and be comforted. That’s what we need too.  

Jesus before talking faithfulness says this, “I want you to be smart in the same way—but for what is right—using every adversity to stimulate you to creative survival, to concentrate your attention on the bare essentials, so you’ll live, really live, and not complacently just get by on good behavior.”  I want to make intentional effort to give up self-seeking indulgence and give into my need for God.

Deprived?  Not quite. Gluttony was never pretty on me anyway.//